RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
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There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
This meeting could have been a cake
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!