me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
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PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog