“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
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Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
was Jim off killing horses or…
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok