Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
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ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Lmfao
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.