“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
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6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.