Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
You Might Also Like
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.