Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.