the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
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I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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