Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
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Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Great Canadian literature.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.