There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
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V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it