HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
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Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.