What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
You Might Also Like
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.