World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
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Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.