we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
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12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
You are not alone 💚
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand