Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
😂😂
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
When I said I liked it rough.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves