Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
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noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
How is it still this week?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means