Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
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And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring