My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
That was easy.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.