Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
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A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is