Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
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LMAO.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.