Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
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[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
School be like
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
*seductively corrects your posture*
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.