I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
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I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler