REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
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[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
They’re not wrong
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.