Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
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Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm