Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
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*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.