I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
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Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now