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βOf all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.β
Me, to whatever cheese Iβm currently eating.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Saint West, the patron of selfies
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Iβm not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. Iβm the one that will hand you the 11th
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Banking tips
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Person: Iβll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but donβt come crying to me later all βMy soul! Itβs gone! I traded away my soul!β
Person: *laughing*
Thereβs something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I imagine Christmas morning at the SchrΓΆdinger house is quite stressful.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not βHow do I look?β It’s βDo I look good enough people are surprised I married you?β
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
sergio leone: iβm going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: whatβs it called?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.