The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
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At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.