I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
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Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously