Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
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If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I feel it
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them