My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
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*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”