If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
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Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My love language is hissing.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married