My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
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Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Me trying to walk in a dream
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Me trying to “trust the process”
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*