*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
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Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I need this for my side hustle.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?