Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
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It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I’m giving up for Lent.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me