My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
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Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
this is the best interaction on twitter
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
*has no idea what a book even is*
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.