“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
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I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile