them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I see your IQ test came back negative
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.