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Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me driving through Toronto
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news