So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
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For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead