Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
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I am yelling
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone