I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
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if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.