*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
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Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”