recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
You Might Also Like
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Two types of dogs.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.