I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
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If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Oops
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you