17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
did it work
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.