Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
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If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo