does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
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I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.