Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
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I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.