ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
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Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
accurate
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever